


the mother we share will never keep your proud head from falling

by fullmetallizard



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: F/M, I cried writing this lol, t for language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-09 03:04:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5523035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullmetallizard/pseuds/fullmetallizard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Al reached over and gripped his wrist with a surprising amount of force. “Stop it. No one likes the situation but it’s real. It’s happening and you can’t walk away from it.”</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	the mother we share will never keep your proud head from falling

**Author's Note:**

> I would love to be the owner of FMA. But, alas...

There was no sound in the room except for the steady thrum of the pulse in Ed’s ears. He stared at Al, trying to find something- anything to say but he couldn’t think of a word. It took him a second to evaluate himself for how he felt but the answer was simple. He was scared.

“But…your wife is a fucking healer,” he finally snapped after he found his breath again.

Al’s brow furrowed and he studied Ed intently from the opposite end of the couch. “We think,” he said. “That it’s the same thing Mom had. Remember how Granny said she’d been dying for a while? I…I have too.” His tone was gentle and soothing and it was grating to Ed’s ears.

“You and May can’t do anything about it?”

Al’s mouth quirked. “We’ve been repairing my lung tissue the best we can the past year.”

“And you’re just telling people now? Why?” He was talking too fast, spit flying from his mouth.

Al’s mouth twisted a little. “I’m telling people now because alkahestry isn’t working like it used to. May has known since it started,” he said. “My kids know too.” At this Al looked over at a framed picture of his son and daughter. He sighed. “And…Winry knows.”

Ed jolted at hearing his wife’s name. “Winry knows? When did you tell Winry?” The betrayal he felt was hot and sharp in his chest.

Finding out his wife knew pushed the fear aside and he was suddenly pissed and wanted answers. He was opening his mouth to speak but Al started coughing. The sound was dry and wheezy.

Ed took this opportunity to study his brother. He was paler than he’d ever been, save for maybe when his body was fresh from the gate. Ed realized with a start that his brother looked older than the thirty eight year old man he was. When had that happened?

Al placed a hand to his forehead, almost like he was steadying himself. Ed felt the seven year old in him reeling because the sight of it was far more familiar than he wanted it to be.

“Lian told Winry,” Al answered when he caught his breath.

“When?”

“Two weeks ago, I think. He was crying at your house and he broke down and told her. We’ve been trying to figure out how to bring it up to you. Brother, don’t give me that look. We had to beg Winry to keep it from you.”

“This is bullshit,” Ed scoffed, standing up to leave.

Al reached over and gripped his wrist with a surprising amount of force. “Stop it. No one likes the situation but it’s real. It’s happening and you can’t walk away from it.” Ed could feel himself crumbling and he didn’t necessarily want Al to see it.

He tried to pull his wrist free but Al kept a steady hold. “ _Ed_. Stop.”

It was his brother using his name that made him give up fighting. He sat down and stared at his hands, one so much more calloused and scarred than the other, even after all these years.

“How much longer do you have?”

Al’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “I don’t know. We’ve been fighting it for almost a year now. It killed mom in a couple of months.” His voice was softer now.

“Keep healing it then,” Ed said, aware of how stupid it was to say. If it were that simple they wouldn’t be having this conversation.

“Brother…I’m tired. I don’t want to keep fighting it anymore.”

“How can you say that?! What about your wife? Your children? What about…what about me?” He started the sentence yelling but he trailed off in almost a whisper. “We spent years to get your body back…and for what? So you can die before you’re fucking forty?”

“Because we got my body back, I was able to really marry my wife. I was able to hold your children and have my own. It’s giving out on me now but I am eternally grateful to have had it at all.”

Ed felt the tears gathering in his eyes and he brushed them away angrily.

“And I can say that I don’t want to fight anymore, Brother, because I am tired.” His voice was still level, calm. “And it hurts. You wouldn’t believe how much it hurts.”

Ed winced because he knew if it hurt badly enough to make Al willing to leave May and their son and daughter, it would have driven a regular person mad months ago. “How’s May? How are the kids taking it?”

Al’s eyes grew impossibly sad. “May says she’s okay. She’s trying to put a brave face on for all of us. Lily’s so angry, Brother. Lian’s upset and that hurts but Lily’s anger is terrifying. It’s going to eat her up and I don’t want that.”

Al always said Lily and Ed were cut from the same cloth and Ed believed it. He knew what Lily had to be feeling, drowning in the unfairness of it all, furious at a world that would dare take Alphonse away.

“So you’re stopping alkahestry completely?”

Al scrubbed his hands over his eyes and nodded. “I’m on a couple of medicines and I’ll stay on those but May and I are going to stop intervening. It’s getting harder for me to walk so I don’t think I have too much time.”

There was a sound at the door and both men turned to see a small, black-haired child with a tearstained face.

“Lian, are you okay?” Al asked.

The boy shook his head and walked over to climb in Al’s lap. He was ten now, usually an age where sitting on your parent’s laps or hugging them became embarrassing. But these where special circumstances, Ed realized. Lian was small for his age and his sadness made him look even smaller.

“I don’t want you to die, Dad,” Lian whimpered, pressing his fists to his eyes.

Al smoothed a hand over the boy’s dark hair and said something to him in Xingese.

Lian let out a teary breath and answered him. Ed caught the words for “love” and “want.”

“I’m going to go talk to Winry,” Ed said, standing from the couch. Al’s eyes followed his face.

“Be nice, Brother.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

He walked out the front door and just stood for a moment. He wanted to scream. He wanted to punch something. He wanted to rip his hair out. He wanted.

He walked back home, making no effort to stop the fury bubbling in his stomach. He walked in the front door and saw  his third child, Nina sitting on the couch reading. She looked up and smiled at him. Ed faltered for a moment.

As Nina got older, her blonde hair darkened and now, at seventeen, she was the spitting image of his mother…Nina looked just like Al, Ed realized with a pang in his chest.

Nina’s smile faded. “Are you okay, Dad?” she asked, astute as ever.

He nodded, trying to keep his face calm, something he was never really good at. “Where’s your mother?”

“In the shop with Theo,” she answered, brow furrowed. She wasn’t buying that he was fine. Ed knew he’d have to tell her and that he’d have to tell her soon but he wanted her not to know for just a little bit longer. He wanted to protect her. “Dad, what’s going on?”

“We’ll talk later. We all will. But right now I need to talk to your mom.”

Nina nodded and bit her lip and Ed walked to the connecting garage. His fifteen year old son and Winry both had on goggles and were muttering over an automail arm.

“Winry,” Ed called. Theo looked over but Winry kept still.

“Just a minute, Ed.”

“Winry, no.”

“ _Ed_.”

“Winry. Pinako. Rockbell,” he said, gritting his teeth. Winry hated when he talked to her like she was one of their kids but she seemed to realize then that something was wrong.

“I’m coming. Okay, Theo. You can keep connecting the wiring but stick to the blueprint, okay?” She stood and took off her goggles, sitting them on the worktable. She followed Ed out of the garage and up to their bedroom.

She closed the door with her hip and looked up at him, wiping her hands on a rag. “What’s going on?” She asked.

“Really?” He snapped, crossing his arms.

Her face fell. “Al told you.”

“Yeah, he told me. The question is why you didn’t.”

“Because Al told me not to,” she said softly.

“Since when do you keep things from me?! And about my brother?! How fucking _dare_ you! You had no right to-”

“Ed, he’s never asked anything of me!” She shouted, eyes filling with tears. “He’s never asked me for anything but he asked for this. He’s…he’s my brother. How could I go against what he wanted?”

“Because I’m your husband! Because I have a right to know!”

“You not knowing was never in the equation, Ed. They were always going to tell you they just didn’t know how.”

“Is telling yourself that how you’ve been able to sleep next to me at night?”

Winry flinched and Ed saw that he was hurting her but he was just _so mad_.

“I’m not going to try to reason with you when you’re like this,” she said quietly. “You should tell Nina, she can tell something’s wrong. I can tell Theo, if you want. If Al’s admitting it, it means that it’s happening soon. I’m going to call Ben and Sara down from Central.” She left the room, leaving Ed with his anger.

He took a few deep breaths, willing his hot face to cool down. After he felt somewhat composed he went down and sat on the couch next to Nina. Her leg was bouncing and she was running her thumb along the pages of her book.

“What’s going on?” She asked quietly, not looking up from the page. “Is it Uncle Al?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Because he’s too thin. He hasn’t been sparring with Aunt May or training Lian and Lily anymore. I’m…I’ve been worried.”

Ed said nothing, simultaneously impressed and heartbroken with how perceptive his daughter was.

“Dad?” She asked, voice breaking. “Am I right to be worried?”

He took her hand and it was like the dam inside of her burst.

“I’m sorry,” Ed said. “He doesn’t have that much longer.”

Al and May had moved from Xing when Nina was a baby so she’d never known a life where Al wasn’t down the street from her. She’d grown up with Al practically being a second father to her.

“It’ll be okay, Dad,” she said, gripping his hand hard and looking up at him. Her eyes were the same greenish gold that Al’s were. “You’ll still have us. We’ll help you. And we’ll all help Aunt May and Lily and Lian. We’ll get through it.” The words were rushed and panicked, like she needed reassurance herself.

“You’re right, honey,” he said quietly, though he really had no idea.

He had no clue how to live in a world where Al didn’t.

Nina cried a while longer beside him and then excused herself to her room. Ed stretched out on the couch once she’d left and put a hand to his throbbing head. He felt hollow and spent.

He must have fallen asleep because he dreamt of their failed transmuatation attempt. He woke with the words “ _he’s my little brother, he’s all I have left_ ” echoing through his head.

He looked around the room, groggy and disoriented. He could see from the window that the sun was just barely peeking out. He stood and stuffed his feet back into his shoes and walked to the river close to the house.

He was surprised to see Al sitting there on a fishing dock, his pants rolled up with his feet in the water. Ed stood, seeing the ghost of an angry little boy waiting to be fetched after an argument. History _did_ have a funny way of repeating itself.

Ed walked over and sat beside his brother. Al didn’t jump or even give any notice that he’d seen him, just kept staring down into the flowing water.

“How’s Lian?” He asked after a few minutes. If there was one thing that could get Al talking, it was the subject of his children.

“He’s a little better. May gave him the ‘all is one and one is all’ speech. It helped him, I think.”

Ed didn’t know what to say so he didn’t say anything. He unlaced his shoes and placed them beside Al’s. He put his foot in the water, keeping the automail one on the dock.

“You know…I wonder how Mom did it,” Al said, taking a deep breath.

“Did what?”

“We didn’t even know she was sick until the very end. Feeling how she felt…I wonder how she was able to keep raising the two of us for so long.”

“She kept holding out hope that Hohenheim would show up.”

Al shrugged. “I hate that Mom had to feel like this.”

The fact that Al was worried about their dead mother feeling the same hurt, Al’s selflessness, made Ed want to cry.

“I just don’t get…why you?”

Al looked up, face questioning. “What?”

“Why not me?” Ed said. “I’m not…kind like you. Your heart is so much better than mine. So why you and not me?”

“You’re wrong,” Al said quietly. “My heart’s not better. It’s just different.”

Ed had no reply.

“Lily won’t talk to me,” Al said softly, tears lacing his voice. “She’s mad at me. She won’t talk to May either.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Could you…could you try to talk to her today? I feel like she’ll listen to you.”

Ed wondered how he could convince Lily she was going to be okay when he didn’t know that for himself. “I can try,” he said finally.

“Thank you, Brother.”

They sat there for hours, talking about everything but Al’s illness. They talked about Ben’s schooling and Sara’s alchemy apprenticeship, about how Roy and Riza were doing now that Roy had become Fuhrer, about their days as children with their mother.

Ed found himself taking deep breaths and pressing his thumbs to his eyes.

“You can cry if you need to, Brother.”

“I don’t _want_ to,” he snapped.

Al shrugged. “Okay.”

“We should go up. Everyone’s probably awake now. Ben and Sara should be coming in anytime.”

Al needed help up. They put their shoes back on and made the trek back up to Ed’s house. Everyone was over except Lily. Sara was sobbing in Winry’s arms and Ben held a sniffling Lian on his lap. May had an arm wrapped around Nina.

Ed was taken aback for a few moments by the size of his family. The two boys who grew up with nothing but each other now had…this. A big and warm family who loved freely and openly.

A family that could keep each other afloat.

“Uncle Al!” Sara cried, standing to hug him.

“Hey, Sara. How’s your alchemy going?”

“I don’t give a fuck about alchemy right now!” She said hotly, tears still rolling down her face. She was a replica of Winry with Ed’s mouth.

“Sara,” Winry said, a warning in her tone. “Lian’s here.”

“Where’s Lily?” Al asked May.

May’s features darkened a little. “She’s at our house.”

“I’m going to go talk to her,” Ed announced. He figured he could hug and kiss Ben and Sara later but right now being surrounded by so much love was breaking him and he couldn’t stand the thought of Lily being alone.

He took the short walk from his house to Al’s, fighting off the sobs that were trying to fight their way out of his chest.

“Lily?” He called once he’d closed the door behind him.

“I’m in the kitchen!” She answered. Ed went and she was sitting at the breakfast table, drawing an array on a sheet of paper with a pencil. He sat next to her.

“What’s the array for?” He studied her profile as she studied. She looked a lot like May but you could see Al in the vivid gold of her eyes. She had his nose. She bit her lip and drew a couple more lines and then set the pencil aside.

She took a deep breath and then activated it. The paper crackled and pulled itself, bending and unbending until she was left with an intricate paper cat.

“Lily…that’s amazing,” he breathed as he studied the details. The cat even had whiskers. It looked remarkably close to the cat curled on the kitchen tile at Lily’s feet. “You’ve gotta show Sara.”  

“Sara’s back?” She asked.

“She’s here…” he trailed off.

“She’s here because Dad’s dying,” she said bluntly. She huffed angrily.

“He told me you won’t talk to him.”

“Why would I?” She asked, staring down at her hands. “He’s leaving us.”

“It’s not the same as leaving.”

Yes, it is,” she said. “He and Mom _could_ keep him going longer but they’re not.” Her voice cracked just a little.

“It’s not fair, is it?” Ed asked quietly.

“It’s not. Why would he…doesn’t he love us? I thought he loved being our dad and now he doesn’t want it anymore?”

Ed looked at her as she started tugging lightly at her hair. She was thirteen, small, and furious with the storm of emotions she had no power to calm.

He’d never related to someone so much in his life.

“Being your dad is Al’s favorite thing in the world. When you were born…he grinned for two months straight. He showed you off to strangers. He loves being your dad. He would stay if he could. But he’s in a lot of pain, Lily.”

She didn’t answer but bit down on her lower lip. Ed worried that she’d break the skin.

“Al’s the bravest and strongest person I’ve ever known. If he’s saying it hurts…then you have to try to understand how much pain that is. He’s not leaving by choice. You know that.”

“Do I? Because it sounds a lot like giving up.”

“Alphonse Elric does not give up.”

Lily didn’t say anything but she started to cry.

“He’s not leaving. Our dad left us and that’s not what yours is doing to you. Trust me.”

Her sobs grew loud and she gripped her arms around herself. Ed didn’t even flinch when she screamed because he expected it. He knew the tumultuous waves of grief and fury she was feeling, he knew how sometimes you could be in so much pain you can’t do anything but scream to try to let some of it out.

After she’d quieted down, he put a hand on her back. “You need to come talk him. You’ll regret it if you don’t. I can promise you that.”

She nodded. “Okay.”

She walked with him back to the house and she made a beeline for Al, who was sitting on the couch. She wrapped her arms around his neck and cried, _“Bàba”_ over and over. Ed knew that meant ‘dad’ in Xingese.

“It’s okay, Liling. Let’s go outside and talk, okay?”

They left the room and May walked up to him. “Thank you.”

He nodded and looked away from her. He’d hoped talking to Lily would help but it didn’t. He was still just as angry, felt just as betrayed.

Two days passed  and Al could no longer get out of bed. He moved to his couch in the living room and he wanted family members with him constantly. He wanted to hear everyone’s stories, how they were doing now, funny things that happened when they were all younger. He was like a sponge soaking up words from his family.

Ed stayed with him as much as he could. He slept sitting with Al’s feet in his lap many nights. Al convinced him to go home and try to patch things up with Winry. He had to admit he didn’t try very hard and he and Winry slept with their backs to one another, Winry’s quiet crying jarring to his ears.

The phone rang very early. Winry rolled out of bed to answer. She was gone for a few minutes and came back and sat beside Ed and woke him all the way up.

“What?” He sighed.

“Honey…that was May. Al’s gone. He…he didn’t wake up this morning.”

He got up, pushed past her, ran to the bathroom and threw up into the toilet. He felt disconnected from his body.

“Oh, Ed,” Winry said sadly from the doorway. “Are you all right?”

“What a stupid question,” he muttered, standing to put some toothpaste on his toothbrush.

Everyone in his house was crying and he had to get away from them. He felt guilty for it but he was worried he’d scream at them like he wanted to.

He considered walking to his brother’s house but knew he wouldn’t be able to survive seeing Al’s lifeless body. That wasn’t how he wanted to remember him. He walked to the river and sat on the dock, wishing that Al was there.

Ed hadn’t felt this alone since the minutes in between Al sacrificing himself to give his arm back and getting him back from the gate. But there was no coming back from this. Al was gone. His sweet and softhearted little brother was gone, leaving him with nothing but an ache in his belly. He wondered if he’d always feel like his chest had been cracked wide open, pain throbbing from the jagged edges.

Al’s funeral was a blur to Ed. May had wanted him to speak but he could barely breathe. He blocked out people, the Fuhrer included, talk about Alphonse’s courage and kindness. Ed already knew those things. He knew that better than anyone.

Despite the loss of his alchemy, Ed was still a scientist. Every morning he woke thinking of how there was nothing stiller than still. There can’t be negative molecular movement. Still was still. He thought that could apply to his sadness. Every day he thought there could be nothing worse than this worst. He couldn’t get emptier than empty. But without his brother, he found that there was always a new low to sink to.

Ben and Sara went back to Central a week later. Sara clung to him. “You have to let yourself feel this, Daddy,” she’d said. “You’re going to drown in it.”

He gave her a pat on the back. “Love you, kid. See you soon.”

Sara looked like she wanted to say more but Ben put a hand on her shoulder. “Come on, Sister. We don’t want to be late. I love you, Dad. We’ll be back soon.” Ben really just looked like he knew Sara was fighting a losing battle.

They drove off and Ed decided he should go check on Al’s family.

Lily and Lian were going through a photo album on the couch together. He waved to them and walked into the kitchen. Winry and May were doing dishes together.

“Hey, Ed,” Winry said, smiling at him. Her smile fell when he didn’t return it and she put the dish towel she was holding down. “Well,” she said quietly. “I’m going to go work on that leg order with Theo.”

“Don’t leave, _jie jie_ ,” May said, taking her hand.

“No, May. It’s all right.”

Winry kissed her cheek and then left. May was staring up at Ed, an expression that was impossible to read on her face.

“What?”

“I’ve had it with this,” May said, voice sharp and angry. “Winry just told me she thinks you’re never going to forgive her because of something Alphonse wanted her to do. All of the kids are scared to be around you. You’re snapping at everyone.”

“I’m sorry my fucking brother died. Am I not allowed to feel the pain of it?”

The plate May was holding suddenly shattered and Ed jumped as she forcefully clutched onto the front of his shirt. “Do you think you’re the only one feeling pain, Edward?! My kids lost their dad! I lost my husband.”

May, who’d been brave for everyone, was cracking. And Ed could feel himself going down with her. “I lost Alphonse too. And I’ve loved him since I was Lily’s age. He was…he was my everything. He was my sunshine and now he’s gone.”

Shakily, he put an arm around her tense form and she fell against him, her entire small frame quaking with sobs. “He’s gone. Oh, Edward.”

He held tight to her. They’d never really gotten along well throughout her marriage to his brother but he knew in his heart that she was his sister. He loved her and they were family.

“Ed, it would kill Alphonse to see you right now. He wouldn’t want you to take this out on your family. Especially when we need you. We need you, Edward,” she cried into his shirt.

Finally, _finally_ , the tears started spilling down his cheeks. And once they started, he couldn’t stop them. He and May sank the ground, surrounded by the shards of the dinner plate she’d dropped. They cried until they were both spent. May broke away and smoothed her hair down, taking deep breaths.   

 “Mom?” Lian asked from the doorway. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, _qīn ài de_. We’re okay.”

“You just miss Dad?”

“That’s right. We’ll always miss Dad.”

Lian’s face fell and Ed reached out for him. He all but ran into his uncle’s arms. “It’s a good thing, Lian.”  He said. “Missing him means we loved him.”

After a few hours passed Ed figured it was time to go home and apologize to Winry. She was folding laundry when he walked up to her. She winced, like she was waiting for the argument to start.

“Win,” he said, gently. He felt guilty for the distance he’d put between them since Al’s death. “I’m so…I…”

She put the laundry basket down and wrapped her arms around his waist. “I know, Ed. I know.”

He put a hand on her head, so grateful that he’d married her. That he had her strength to keep him going.

“You should go to the cemetery and talk to him,” Winry said quietly. “I have. It helps, somehow.”

It took him a couple more days but eventually he did. Al was buried on the other side of their mother. Ed looked at the three headstones and realized how much he missed them, Hohenheim included. “Hi, you rotten old dad,” he muttered.

“Hey, Mom,” he said more gently.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and touched the cold granite that read ‘Alphonse Elric.’ “Hey, Brother…”   


End file.
